Frank, why don't you admit that you're lying about this?
- Why would I lie about this? - So then you would lie.
I didn't say I would lie.
You just said, "Why would I lie about this?"
From which it can be inferred that there are things...
No, no, no. Wait a minute.
Let's assume that somewhere, some time in my life...
I have told a lie, OK?
Does that mean I'm lying now?
All right, so let me just get this straight.
By all means. Just...
You're telling me that your mother...
had sexual intercourse with Frank Sinatra,
and that's why you're named Frank?
That's right.
- Uh-huh. - What?
And your father?
He never slept with Sinatra. It was just my mother.
Does your father know about this?
He's the one who told me. I think he knows.
I can always tell when you're bullshitting.
No, you can't. That's why I always beat you in poker.
You never beat me in poker.
- He always does. - He doesn't.
He always beats you and you come home all pissed off.
Does he?
Don't be jumping into this. He doesn't need your help.
- He comes home crying to mommy. - You do, sweetie!
Why does this happen to me?
You're always teaming up with him.
You're supposed to be on my side.
But then I would always be wrong, too.
You don't even know what we're talking about here.
Frank was named after Frank Sinatra.
- That's right. - Yeah.
You mean, you didn't know that?
Did I ever tell you what my middle name was, Joe?
Let me guess: Sammy, right?
Your mom did the wild thing with the Candy Man, too?
That's amazing. It's Franklin Samuel.
You guys are really funny.
Hey.
You all right?
Yeah. I'm hung over.
I can't believe I have to face...
a class full of eight-year-olds tomorrow.
So take the day off.
Frank, I just took the week off.
What's one more day going to hurt?
Someday you'll have a job, and then you'll understand.
I've had a job before.
I don't even know if I do.
- What's that? - A little present.
What, for me?
After all these years, you're still spoiling me like this?
If you don't want it, I can give it to Frank.
- I'll take it. - No, it's mine.
Unless it's a jawbreaker. Then you can have it.
Thank you.
It's a ring. That's so sweet.
Yeah.
- It's about time, pumpkinhead. - It really is about time.
When are we going to set the wedding?
- How about May? - May. That's nice.
May wedding. What do you think, Frank?
May works for me. I'm off the whole month.
It'd give me a little time to shop.
I guess all that's left is for you to ask me officially.
OK.
Sarah, if this ring will do until I can afford a real one...
It's not funny anymore.
It's not meant to be.
Will you marry me?
Well, say yes.
OK. OK, yes. Yes.
About goddamn time!
Is there anyone present who knows a reason...
why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Come on. Isn't anybody going to help me out here?
You better not do that tomorrow.
You're just going to have to wait and see.
I'll kill you.
And now, according to the power vested in me,
I declare this rehearsal over, and amen.
Hi, Sarah. Hi, Joseph.
You know, I just want to say congratulations,
and I know I've teased you both...
about the pitfalls of marriage throughout the years,
but I just wanted to say...
why didn't you listen?
It's not too late. You've been shacking up for years.
It worked out perfectly. I got a tankful of gas.
We can head to the Mexican border right now.
Duane and I would just like to wish you...
all of the happiness and joy in the world.
Yes. Marriage - it's a beautiful thing.
Sarah, it's a big day tomorrow.
I know you and Joseph will be very happy together.
You're a great catch.
I don't know you that well, but I've known you long enough.
We've never really gotten into any deep conversations,
but I consider you a friend.
And Joseph's an old friend. And I just want you to know...
that I think you two are going to be very happy together...
and make a wonderful couple.
Do you have something to say to Joseph...
on the eve of the most important day of his adult life?
I think it's great they're in love and everything.
Congratulations, I guess, are in order.
Make sure you have me over for dinner a lot.
The thing about marriage, though, man...
it's not like poker where you're sitting at a table...
and you've got a bad streak going -
you can just walk away, get out of there.
But, you know, marriage is... You got to stay there.
And you keep getting bad hands and losing money...
and you lose and you lose and you lose...
and it can break you, and you can leave with nothing.
Here's the portrait of a successful marriage.
Amy, could you tell Joseph and Sarah...
what has been the key to your successful bond?
Forgiveness.
You have to learn to forgive and forget.
Are there any specifics you'd like to go into...
in terms of exercising forgiveness?
There's a little forgiveness muscle...
and very few people know about it.
If you don't have it, you're in trouble.
That's right. And we've got a little machine at home...
that exercises that forgiveness muscle.
- Really? - I'll show you ours.
If you'll show me yours.
OK.
How have you avoided getting hooked?
How?
I don't know. I never met a woman like Sarah.
What about that cover girl/actress you were seeing?
What the hell was her name?
Marianne.
Marianne. Whoo, boy!
You should've married her, man. She was fucking gorgeous.
She was beautiful.
Only problem was, once I ran out of ways to tell her that,
the relationship sort of fizzled.
But she was beautiful.
Well, to the ones that got away.
How about to the one...
- Hi. - Hi.
...who didn't?
Hear, hear.
Strong enough?
We're running a little short on the bloody marriage mix.
Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.
- Right. - Right.
You guys do have a certain glow about you.
Doesn't she? She's a saint, too.
Please.
I'm marrying the most beautiful woman in the world!
- Please, stop. - No, not even just the world...
the entire universe!
I can hardly wait till we're married.
Why?
Because I never have to have sex with you again.
A toast!
To the bachelor's life!
No. I'm kidding. All right, to marriage.
Yeah. To marriage.
- To our marriage. - To our marriage.
- And to our friends. - Yeah!
To the bride and groom.
May they treat each other as well as they've treated me.
Hear, hear.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Go! Go! Go!
That's mature, Joseph.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Jesus. You'll be all right, Joey.
It's not so bad. It's only the rehearsal.
Remember our wedding, honey?
We got so stoned I fell down her mother's stairs.
Yeah, that was great, Duane.
- I'm all right. - Let's get out of here.
- You OK? - Yeah.
God, Joseph, don't you ever chew your food?
Shut up, Nigel.
Haven't seen much of you lately.
Got a girl?
- A couple. - Oh, a couple.
- Do they know that? - I'm pretty obvious.
I've been thinking about moving back east.
Why?
I don't know. Things have just...
I don't know. I get headaches out here.
Everybody gets headaches. It's the smog.
Yeah.
You know that first time that Joe and I broke up?
Which first time?
The first, first time.
Why are you laughing? The first, first time.
- Oh, the first, first time! - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, that first, first time Joe and I broke up,
I almost went after you.
- Get out of here. - I did. I did.
You mean, after me, after me?
After you.
I guess it's lucky I was shy.
It would be pretty uncomfortable now, wouldn't it?
We would have gotten over it.
Joey would have thought it was all about him...
and once we got back together...
he would have used it to get off the hook...
for whoever he'd been screwing with.
But what about me?
He would've tried to punch you, but...
then you both would've gone off together and gotten drunk.
You're probably right.
Yeah, I know my men.
What about you and me?
Us? We would've been fine.
You sure?
Frank... come here.
See? We're still friends.
Poker, poker, poker!
He can still look. A man can still look.
That was no look. That was an unadulterated ogle.
- OK, I ogled. - At your own wedding, Joe?
That's to you, Ror.
- To be or not to be... - She was worthy of the ogle.
Come on, Joe, at your own wedding.
You were ogling Sarah.
- I was not. - You were.
I was, shamelessly.
We all were. Why do you think they wear white?
So you can imagine them as virginal and pure...
and then fantasize about defiling them.
- You want to defile my wife? - For old times' sake.
We're playing poker here, fellas.
I didn't fantasize about Deborah at your wedding.
- Neither did I. Anyone? - No.
I really love these stimulating intellectual discussions,
but can we please get through a fucking hand?
- Rory! - Just a second.
It's a fucking quarter.
- No. That's not the point. - Here's a quarter.
- Rory's in. - No. No!
- What have you got there? - Four aces.
- Bet or don't bet. - Just a second.
OK, Rory's out.
No, wait a minute! I'm in! Jesus!
You live on the edge. I call. Show your cards.
- Three tens. - I'm slaughtered.
Straight.
I'm out.
Straight, queen high. What do you got, Rory?
- Nothing. - You got to show.
I don't beat a straight.
I called you. You've got to show your cards.
- What's it to you? - It's the rules.
It's a game.
Ante up.
A pair of queens? You stayed in with a pair of fucking queens?
Alas, poor Yorick.
What do you get so damn serious about?
Because it drives me fucking crazy.
- In Vegas... - The Vegas speech!
In Las Vegas, Nevada,
they understand the rhythm of the deal...
and the sanctity of the game.
Deal, Duane. One game - seven-card stud. Pure.
They play it over and over. You feel it,
like the lap of the ocean against the shore.
You sit in silence, study strategies.
None of this banter... Whose dick is bigger than whose?
When's the fucking pizza coming?
When is the fucking pizza coming?
Quarter.
See it, raise it.
See that, raise that.
I'll see that quarter and raise you another.
And another.
What the hell have you got there?
Not much, apparently.
Joseph here gets two aces early on...
with nothing underneath to back it up.
Table talk.
Thinks he's going to chase everybody out,
which he does, but I do not balk.
- Table talk. - So, now he's got two pair...
and nothing else.
And me, I started out with a pair here,
which I have now turned into three of a kind...
with this card here. Voila.
- Oh! - You can't do that!
Sure I can, Joe. It's to your advantage.
It is to your advantage.
So, now Joe's looking for a long shot full house...
and I'm looking for a full house or a fourth nine...
of which I noticed none showed up in the deal.
Am I confident? Yes.
Big man. Real mature.
See you, raise you.
Well, I'll just see you.
I perceive a homoerotic subtext here.
Deal, Duane.
Down and dirty.
Bet's to you, Joe, and whatever you bet...
I'm going to bet forty bucks.
You can't do that.
- Sure I can. - No limit.
- But it's my bet. - Then bet.
Then you're just going to raise.
Then you know what I'm going to do.
I don't think he's got his full house.
Think what you want to think,
but there is such a thing as poker etiquette!
No table talk, no betting out of order.
I've been saying this for months.
You'd be shot in Vegas, right?
Yes, Frank would be shot in Vegas.
- It's not Vegas, Joe. - But am I right?
Yes, and God will punish him. You're in or out.
You're out of line.
- You know the line? - You know the line.
Guys, can you finish the fucking hand?
Fifty cents.
- Forty dollars. - Fuck this. Cash me out.
- Come on, Joe. - Joseph.
Fuck you guys. No, no.
Frank's Mr. Big Stud, flipping cards, betting high.
He called the hand. He won. You happy, Frank?
There are our lovely hosts now. How are you doing?
Does Frank want a wienie?
Frank's been a wienie for a long time.
- Is that mine? - No, it's mine.
- Don't break it, mate. - I won't. See you later.
Bye.
Now, what's this?
I asked you to watch her.
Fuck you. What am I, your slave?
Family feud. Are you guys fighting?
Hi, Frank. Look, honey. Your friend...
She was over by the pool all by herself.
You said you'd watch her.
You guys might want to think about counseling.
- Frank. - Bye, Frank.
OK. Sorry about that.
Hello.
Hi, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Lauren, we're being harassed by some guy with a camera.
I'm not harassing anybody.
He's not harassing anyone, he says.
What are you doing here?
I'm taking your picture.
He's over here trying to get pictures...
of half-naked girls without any make-up on.
Come on. Be nice.
What's this for?
- It's for... - Personal use?
Is it about something?
It's for personal use.
Are you doing it so you can stare at us later?
It's about the party.
Really? That sounds boring.
- It's also about me. - That would be interesting.
- You think so? - Yeah.
I think it would be interesting.
Give me the camera. I want to do you.
- Why? - Because I like you.
I don't think I want to give it to you.
Oh, no, no, no!
Don't film me.
Now... is it on?
Is this thing on?
- Do you see me? - Yeah.
Then it's on.
OK. Right, right.
Tell us about your life.
This actually wasn't about me.
It's actually about the party out there.
Tell us about your life anyway.
Why don't you film...
All right, I admit it.
I don't have a life.
You're breaking my heart.
Are you one of those cynical people?
No. More like bitter.
Really? Why is that?
I don't know. I'm just...
It must be a girl. It's always a girl.
- Lauren, you're a goddess! - Female prophet.
You're a woman's woman. You know, girl.
- Is it? - What?
- A girl. - No.
I think it is a girl.
We have a girl problem here.
Why is it that girls always think...
Did you love her and then she left you?
I told you there is no problem.
Oh, yeah. I don't believe you.
Hi, sweetie. You making new friends?
Hi. Are you making a movie?
No, we're not. He is. We're just helping out.
Do you have a statement to make?
No, I don't think so.
I think you better keep on filming him.
Make your peace with your public.
Sorry. Bye.
Walk that runway, girl.
Work that vest. There you go.
- Is that her? - Who?
The girl who left you?
There's no girl. Give me the camera.
I think that's somebody who hasn't been returning my calls.
Because I'm mad at you.
- Why? - You piss me off.
What do you mean, I piss you off?
You got to watch out for that unresolved resentment.
It can cause diseases. I'm sure you've heard that.
Have you thought of therapy?
I'm in therapy twice a week.
- You're kidding me. - No.
What do you talk about?
All we talk about is you - it's weird -
and what a dick you are but how much I like you anyway.
That makes me feel a lot better.
- Whose camera is that? - It's mine.
That's not your camera.
You can't afford that because you're such a loser.
Why don't you eat me, Joe?
OK.
- Oh, no. Go away. - What do you want?
- I hate this. - Take that thing off my face.
I just want to have a conversation.
You want me to say something quotable?
Yeah, why don't you say something quotable?
I'll give you more later. Over and out.
Nigel, come on. See you, Nigel.
Good-bye, Frank.
Hello.
Oh, no. No, please, don't.
What's the matter?
I don't like the way I look.
I sound like a man on those things.
You don't sound like a man.
I do, I do.
Wait till you listen to it.
"She sounds just like me".
- Nice. - Yeah.
Before, you sounded like your normal, velvet-voiced self.
Is this why you came here?
No, I came to see you.
Then take that thing away from your face.
Yes, Frank, what can I do for you?
Why don't you...
tell me all about me?
Really? The stuff you want to hear...
or the stuff you don't want to hear?
Just tell me everything.
I don't know everything.
Then tell me what you know.
Starting from when?
From the beginning.
I don't know you from the beginning, honey.
I only know you from the middle.
Then how about from there?
You're being so weird.
Why don't you just say whatever pops into your mind?
The first thing. Whatever.
This is... Do I really have to do this?
I don't think so. Why?
Because I asked you as a favor to me.
See, that's it.
You want me to tell you all about you.
I don't see you since the wedding,
then you show up out of no place and expect me...
to tell you all about you as a favor to you.
I think that just about wraps it up.
- You think so? - I do. Give me that.
Tell me something about you.
Tell me something about something.
OK.
OK? God, just a minute.
How about...
How about the first time I saw you?
I already know that.
No, you don't. I mean before we met.
The first, first time.
There was a first, first time?
OK, tell me about that.
OK.
When...
- What? - OK.
I was...
I was about to take my last test...
my sophomore year...
and...
It was in English Medieval Renaissance.
I was just about to go into the building...
and I saw you.
It was raining out that day...
and the sky was dark...
and you were standing there...
in this long gray raincoat.
You had this green umbrella.
And, I don't know, it was just strange.
Everything was dark, and there you were...
with this green umbrella.
And...
And then the sky was starting to break,
and just as the light burst out of the sky...
you did the neatest thing...
You twirled your umbrella a little bit...
and caught the light.
You were the most beautiful thing...
I'd ever seen in my life.
And then...
then Joseph came out of the building...
and he...
He went clomping up to you like Gene Kelly in...
"Singin' in the Rain".
He was clomping through the puddles...
and that's when...
I don't remember that.
That's because we didn't know each other then.
It was really funny.
The next semester when I came back...
and Joseph was my roommate...
and you were his girlfriend.
- Frank? - Frank-o!
I'm in the kitchen!
I brought some strawberries, Frank.
Good.
Where's the booze?
- Hi, Duane. - Where's the booze?
You know where the booze is.
- Hi, Frank. - Hi. How are you?
- You look like shit, Frank. - Thank you, Deborah.
You're welcome. Where's your date?
She's not here yet.
Told you he wouldn't have a date.
Who is she?
Ran into Marianne.
Cover girl? She's coming here?
Yeah.
Like us to leave you alone for a few minutes, Duane?
I haven't seen her in a long time, that's all.
Look at his face.
Is she your girlfriend again, Frank?
No, she's not my girlfriend. She's a date.
I don't know.
I've had sex before - more than once -
and I think I've figured out why I do it.
Go ahead, Joe.
I remember going through the birth canal.
- Oh, God. - No, I'm...
My skin was really sensitive back then...
Want some wine?
It was like I was one big, giant penis.
Nothing's changed, Joseph.
No, no. Pay attention, please.
There I was in the birth canal...
and my adrenaline was really pumping...
and these dark, wet, powerful muscles...
were shunting me...
and elongating my head into a banana shape...
which is a very odd sensation.
And imagine the kind of consciousness you have...
when you're getting oxygen, but you're not breathing.
You're just alive.
So now that I'm a big boy...
I find myself going back to that place again and again...
because it's only really just before I blow my wad...
Dear God.
...that I ever experience what it was like being born.
- That is so amazing. - Isn't it?
It's incredible you remember being born.
One of my boyfriends is a licensed rebirther.
Really?
He's trying to regress me back to the womb,
but it's been really difficult for me.
Why?
I think it's because infants are so helpless...
and I need to be in control.
So, Marianne,
how many boyfriends do you have, anyway?
Honey, please, that's...
How many men do I have sex with?
Yeah, I'm just curious.
More than one.
- Congratulations, Frank. - Thanks, Sarah.
Girl fight.
Is that two or a few...
or the Los Angeles Raiders?
Honey, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Could I have a cigarette, please?
I'm sorry if I threaten you in some way.
I happen to like men.
And what is it about them, exactly, that you like?
Different things about different men.
I bet.
Well, I think that's very commendable...
and rare, in my experience.
Shut up, Duane. If it's so commendable,
then how come you don't like women?
Good point.
I like women... Hairless, obsequious women.
You're so deep. It's true.
He used to make all his girlfriends shave their twats.
You're a sick man, Duane.
I don't like hair. I like hairless girls.
Girls? Like a little diaper rash in their creases, Duane?
I think you would like men a lot less...
if you were married to one.
I don't know. What about Frank?
He's not bad.
I like Frank. I'm just not the marrying type.
Poor Frank. Are you disappointed?
Yeah, I'm devastated.
You're so sweet. Why aren't you married?
I guess I haven't met the right woman yet.
What kind would that be?
Like... you.
One like you.
You're so cute.
He is so cute.
Honey, I'm about to cloud up...
and rain all over you.
If you like me so much, why don't you...
bring me flowers?
Roses? Would you like roses?
Which grow profusely in the...
ordure of romance.
What the hell's going on here?
I'm trying to tell your wife that I'm in love with her.
Frank's trying to seduce me.
You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Frank?
I love you, Sarah.
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is going on here?
Are you nuts? That's my wife!
What's your fucking problem?
Go, Frank.
Go!
Thanks so much for dinner.
It was so nice seeing you all.
Take it easy, Marianne.
Want a cigarette?
Thanks.
Is it me?
No. Sometimes being married...
is like having dog shit on your shoe...
and nothing to scrape it off with.
Want to play some ball tomorrow?
You want more humiliation?
I'll pick you up tomorrow at 6:00, all right?
How's your marriage counseling going?
It's good. It's all right.
You like your counselor?
Yeah, she's all right.
You know what she said to me the other day?
She said I was full of inner rage.
You believe that shit?
I should have popped her right then. Bitch.
Duane!
You begin to hate the sound of your own name.
- Honey, come on. - OK.
You'll be all right, man.
- See you later. - I'll see you tomorrow.
I want to drive.
Why?
I just think it'll be a good idea.
I'm sorry, honey. I didn't...
You piss me off.
And, Daddy, she didn't deserve it
All the pain and the hurt
And I could never hate you for it
'Cause I learned about love when she said
She said, "Honey, your daddy is dead to me"
"But to you, your daddy he'll always be"
"And although he made me cry my last tear"
"To you, he should always be dear"
And Mother
You're the kindest woman I've ever seen
A love like yours is rarely seen
And although you were hurt
You held your head high
And thanks to you
My daddy's alive
- All right. - Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- I wrote that myself. - I could tell.
Did you like it?
- It was very human. - Thank you.
- Let's play poker. - All right.
- Got any eights? - Nope. Go fish.
- Come on. - We're just being cute.
We'll be serious.
You've got the old maid, don't you?
Why am I always the last one to hear about these things?
I thought we were friends.
We are friends. That's why we didn't tell you.
We didn't want to shatter your fragile fantasy world.
Did they hurt each other?
You are so dear.
They didn't hurt each other, because I was Mr. Peacemaker.
I wanted to pop the son of a bitch myself.
See, that really upsets me.
You can't look at her cards. You're still in the hand.
Sorry. Hold on to that ace.
Great. Ruin my bluff.
What's a bluff?
When you lie about your hand and chase everyone else out.
Gotcha.
How do you know I wasn't bluffing about her ace?
Because you can't bluff someone else's hand.
Why not, Neil?
Because you can't.
Does it confuse you?
No, it doesn't confuse me.
And my name's Leo, not Neil.
Why are you angry?
I'm not angry.
Bet big, girl. He's angry and confused.
I bet all my chips.
You can't bet out of turn.
When it's my turn, the chips will be there.
I'm sorry, but this Frank thing is really upsetting me.
- You're so sensitive. - Come sit between us.
A little drama's good for a marriage.
But they're best friends.
Frank is her friend.
We're friends. Where does that leave me?
Who's Frank?
That guy shooting down our tops at the barbecue.
He was kind of cute.
It's your bet, sweetheart.
OK, big cock. Here's my bet.
I think that Frank guy needs to get laid.
Precisely. He's chosen his best friend's wife...
as the object of his clumsy affections.
That's wonderful, Nigel.
What?
These girls don't need to hear about that, man.
These girls are my trusted employees.
They won't breathe a word. They can keep a secret.
Promise.
Cross my heart, hope to die.
Anyway, it sounds like amateur dinner theater...
Frank being Frank.
Now, that confuses me.
Am I supposed to be angry at Frank?
He's a slime hound with warts on his dick.
- So you guys are friends. - Exactly.
You should do that guy Frank, Lauren.
I don't know.
I checked him out. He looked kind of small.
I need a big stiff one, and I don't mean a cocktail!
Oh, my God! I think I just grew a penis!
Poker will do it to you every time!
It's raining sperm in here! Oh, my face!
- Cross your legs! - Oh, yes!
So you're really angry at him.
I don't want to waste my time on it.
I don't want to talk about it.
A man who gleefully admits...
having had sex with his sister...
is now making moral judgments.
- What? - You had sex with your sister?
She was five. I was four. It was consensual.
That's what allows me to make these higher moral judgments.
- I'm evolved. - I see.
I think I'm mad at him.
Congratulations, Rory. You've picked an emotion.
I have this weird, crazy idea. Let's play poker.
No, no, no. What do you think?
I think that you are chronically indecisive,
Duane's overreacting,
Frank is lonely and sad,
and I am getting impatient.
You have a lot of hostility in you.
I've also got two pairs towards a full house.
The thing is - and I'll leave it at this -
is that you guys can't know, because you're not married.
I'm married, Duane.
That's stretching the definition a bit, isn't it?
I believe I should be insulted.
Shall I be angry with you now?
Dog fight.
I'm secure in my marriage.
Whatever, Nigel.
Nobody wake him up.
What foreign creature crawled up your rectum?
A kiss is just a kiss.
To demonstrate...
See? No harm done.
Don't you ever, ever do that again, Nigel,
unless I ask for it, or I'm hard up.
That hurt.
Good. I'm glad. Good.
My point is...
What if I told Amy about this?
Exactly. Tell her, and we'll endure.
They'll endure if we all love one another.
Nigel, you're so full of insight and charm.
You really are. No, I'm serious.
This game is boring. Nothing happens.
Do you want to hear another song?
I got eight more that I wrote.
Let her play. It's nice.
Once again
I'm without my man
My lover and my friend
Mine are hardly the sort of novels...
today's filmmakers are racing to adapt.
They're not seething with raw sensuality...
nor do they contain...
periodic spasms of orgiastic bloodshed.
Also, one rarely sees...
characters as old as mine in American films,
and when they do pop up...
it's only for a scene or two.
They're not allowed to be the whole story...
as they are in my books.
Though, now that I think of it,
I was approached perhaps 20 years ago...
by some people who wanted to film my third book,
which was called "A Vulgar Superfluity".
Although they suggested I try to think of another title.
They wanted to cast...
some American actress whom I'd never heard of,
though she was apparently quite popular at the time.
They showed me one of her films...
and I thought, "Oh, dear."
"She's quite immensely unsuitable".
Her name escapes me now.
Amy, dear, what was the name of that actress...
they were so keen to have play Daphne?
Raquel Welch.
Yes, that's it!
Oh, dear, yes.
That is one boring lady in there.
She's like some kind of hypnotist.
You think she's bad, try reading one of her books.
Though don't mix them with alcohol...
as people have been known to slip into comas.
What's Amy's dad like? Is he as bad?
Her dad's great. He ran for his life years ago.
She married this aging closet case...
who's probably in London right now,
working his way through the male ensemble...
of "Starlight Express".
- Fucking Nigel. - He's fine.
He has to sit there, sneering at her...
like she's in any danger of forgetting he hates her guts.
He's just jealous.
Deeply. Not that he'd ever admit it.
And there's the money thing.
Her bailing us out last year.
I think it's really going fine.
Sounds like you and Mom don't get along too well.
No. She thinks of me as some disgusting habit...
Amy will outgrow someday, like thumb-sucking.
Her expectations of me have gotten so low...
that it's actually something of a challenge...
to disappoint her, but I do my best.
This is really strong.
I've been saving it for her visit.
How much longer is she sticking around for?
Ten days. I have a strange premonition...
she'll decide to shorten her visit.
Really?
Nigel, are you in there?
No, don't come in!
Your guest just showed up.
I suppose you think you're funny?
I'm stoned. I think everything's funny.
- Thank you for that. - Who's here?
You should enjoy this. He invited Frank.
- Frank is here? - What'd you do that for?
He's my friend, too.
You can't expect me to shun him for your sake.
I hate you.
I think you two should kiss and make up.
Or beat the crap out of each other.
That would be interesting, too.
You're so clever, Nigel. You really are.
It's very nice to meet you, Frank.
Nice to meet you as well.
I really enjoy your books.
How kind of you to say so.
This is Pamela.
Hi. Nice meeting you.
How do you do? Are you a friend of Amy's?
Who's Amy?
No. Actually, I'm a friend of Nigel's.
We play poker together.
Oh, I see.
Help yourself to some tea...
or there's champagne, if you'd prefer.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Pamela.
Deborah.
Hi. Nice meeting you.
- Hi, Pamela. I'm Duane. - Hello, Duane.
- Nice to meet you. - Thank you.
What nice little sandwiches.
Champagne crisis.
- I'll get it. - No, allow me.
Really!
- Hi, I'm Athena. - Lauren. Great scarf.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
This is Josh.
Hi.
So, are you working on a new book?
Yes. I'm perhaps halfway through.
- Great. - What's it about?
It's a minor superstition of mine...
never to discuss my books until I finish writing them,
not even with my husband.
It has at times been a source of some friction between us.
I wouldn't have thought...
there was any friction at all between you and Sydney.
Perhaps you don't know us as well as you suppose.
Frank, can I talk to you in the kitchen?
There's nothing to talk about.
No, there's a lot to talk about.
What the hell's going on here?
- I want to talk to you. - Were you two an item?
I would like to...
I want you to control yourself.
I'm not the one who can't control himself!
Keep your voice down.
Did you know he was going be here?
Is that why we had to come to this thing?
If I wanted to see him,
this is how I would arrange it?
Excuse me. Would you mind going somewhere else?
I was here first.
He's following you around with a big fucking hard-on,
and I'm not supposed to say anything?
So, Pamela, what sort of work do you do?
You think he came here for the tea?
No. He's here because you're here.
That's the only reason, and everyone knows it...
and you know it, and it's embarrassing.
I don't like it. You think I'm enjoying...
I do think you enjoy this!
You're the center of attention. Everyone's looking at you.
Fuck you, Joe! I did not ask for this.
Neither did I, which is why we're leaving.
No, fuck you! You don't tell me what to do!
If you want to go, you go!
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
At the moment, I would love it.
I would fucking love it.
I am sorry about that.
I'm really sorry.
It's hardly your fault, dear.
It's just Nigel showing us all how Nigel he can be.
And what exactly do you mean by that?
I do not enjoy speaking to you when you are drunk.
Thank you. That's very useful information.
Shut up, Nigel.
He's going?
Son of a bi... He left with my date!
What?
You people are fucking sick!
Oh, dear.
Thanks for having us.
Thank you for coming.
- Hey! Fuck! - Josh!
Are these people really your friends?
Because they're not normal.
You shouldn't be so sensitive.
I'm so sorry.
Darling, if you would like my advice...
No, we would not like your advice.
Not with that farce you call a marriage.
Stop it! Nigel!
I will not stay in this house one minute longer!
I'm timing you.
59... 58...
Shut up!
You are a nasty boy!
55... 54... 53...
Sally, pick up the phone.
Sally.
Stop it, Nigel!
Caroline, I'm a very nasty boy.
I want a divorce!
Frank?
You know things are getting pretty bad...
when we have the best marriage in the room.
I hope you don't think you're going to sleep with me.
What?
I hope you don't think you're going to sleep with me.
Actually, it hadn't crossed my mind.
Oh, really?
- I'm happily married. - I know.
That son of a bitch. He's such a fucking...
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking like this.
We're all sorry. You're sorry, right, Frank?
I'm going to take you home first, OK?
OK, thank you.
Sarah...
No, Frank, please don't start.
- I just... - Forget it. Please?
So, what kind of work do you do?
Me? I'm a body double for Demi Moore.
Really? That's really...
She believes me. Oh, my God.
You didn't have to come with us.
There's no reason for this attitude.
Look, honey, I came with him.
Everybody else was sloshed, stoned, or psychotic...
and a cab in this town is 50 bucks.
Yada, yada, yada. God, she goes on.
All right. He'll take me home. Great.
Sarah, can I just...
Frank, no! I'm OK. I'm really OK.
I do have control over my life.
It might not seem that way, but I do.
I am not stupid.
I know Joseph's an asshole, but I married him.
He's my asshole.
See that house?
I designed the landscaping.
It's nice.
It's better than nice.
The dopes that live there don't deserve it.
That's the rub,
that only rich people can really afford...
property that's worth landscaping...
but then they don't even care about it.
It's like upkeep to them, maintenance,
like I'm changing shingles on their roof.
So you're an artist, then.
Sometimes.
And the rest of the time?
You mean, what do I do for money?
I design landscaping.
I like that green mushroom tree.
- It's an umbrella. - You're kidding.
I did it for my wife.
Does she know?
I drove her by it once.
Like an inside joke, huh?
Sort of.
Did you ever think that maybe you made a mistake?
What are you talking about?
Marrying him.
How can you say that? I loved him.
"Loved". That's exactly what I'm saying.
That's past tense, you see?
Frank, stop.
What...
- Sarah, I love you now. - Hello!
Frank, you got to understand.
We're just friends. That's all we are.
Come on. We've always been more than friends.
You know that as well as I do.
And I want you now, OK?
You want me now because now I'm taken.
You only ever want what's taken.
That is such bullshit!
No, it isn't. That's a pattern with you.
You waited until after we were married...
I waited till you let me!
- I let you? - Yes!
How?
The day before the wedding, when you kissed me.
You kissed?
Does the bimbo with your husband know...
- Shut up! - OK.
Frank, that was just a kiss.
I'm only here...
because my best friend is trying to fuck my wife.
Maybe he's in love with her.
He doesn't really even know her.
Why not? You're best friends.
They must see each other a lot.
Yeah.
Then he does know her.
No.
She married me.
Oh, God.
She's probably with him right now.
No. She's just not with me.
That's right. I'm with you.
You really want me to pull over and drop you off?
Is that what you want?
You people are unbelievable.
You just do this to entertain yourselves?
Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.
Let's go to my bedroom.
You know what?
You're sweet, but this is...
You're fucked up.
No, I'm not. I'm 24, and I don't give a shit.
None of you mean anything to me.
That's sad.
You would know.
I got to go. I'm sorry.
Your husband is a really hot property.
Have you always known that the big guy here...
was going to make it so big?
Of course.
It was just a matter of time before Hollywood realized...
that adolescent wish fulfillment was the way to go.
Thanks, sweetie.
I'm in the agent training program.
I heard he got half a mil.
- For a first spec script? - Not bad.
Is it Duane or Wayne?
Who the fuck are these people?
I think she's on TV.
Oh, yeah.
I never slept with a girl that's been on TV.
That girl on "Jeopardy!" What was her name?
That was after we broke up.
- I'm Sid. - Amy.
Hi, Amy. How you doing?
I just...
You know how when you're at a party...
you go from pocket to pocket of people?
You don't know these people.
So I'm just hanging around,
waiting for a hole in the conversation.
And you had to listen to how I met my husband.
No. I'm glad to hear about how you met your ex-husband.
We should get the guys together and go to Vegas.
- I'm serious. - You'd want Duane to pay.
He would spring for it.
You just use your friends.
Don't you feel bad about using your friends like that?
We would all be able to go. We'd have a great time.
Duane's made out of money now.
Let's just sap him for everything he's worth?
The girl's a great part.
Yeah, I actually wrote it...
as sort of a cross between my wife and Betty Rubble.
- Really? - No, it's true.
I want to ask you something about what you were saying.
Is that like... Is that ancient history...
or is that recent history?
- Do you need help? - No, no.
I'm actually... Ancient enough.
Do I have to mingle, or are you coming back?
You're really tan.
You go to the beach a lot?
Yeah, I do.
Out of curiosity, do you shave or wax your legs?
I wax.
- Really? - Yes.
Bikini line?
I wax my bikini line, yes.
Did you ever think, what the fuck...
and just wax it all off?
Actually, you know what?
That would be painful.
But I do shave the actual area to get that kind of...
smooth effect. You know what I mean?
Does that make you uncomfortable?
No.
It's kind of an odd question, really.
What makes the script so good...
is that it's the woman's movie, yet it's still manly.
I'm a little new at this script analysis stuff,
but I think your husband has something that...
Could you excuse me for a minute?
Sure. I'll talk to you later.
Haven't they locked you up yet?
It's good to see you, too, Deborah.
Frank, I realize that crashing parties...
is the only thing you have for a social life,
but not tonight.
I came to congratulate my friend...
and to give him this. Is that OK with you?
It's a nice bottle. Thanks, Frank.
I'm sure Duane will appreciate it.
Drive safely now, OK?
Did I do something to you?
Get some help, Frank. She's married.
Have a nice party, Deborah.
Bye, Frank.
What's the film about? What's it really about?
What genre does it take place in?
What, the spine? Like one sentence?
"Boy meets girl". I don't give a shit about that.
Fuck "Boy meets girl" Fuck "Motorcycle movie".
No. What is really being said?
That's what you were talking about.
The whole idea, man, is subversion -
you want subversion on a massive level.
You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts...
ever written in the history of Hollywood is?
- What? - "Top Gun".
- Come on. - "Top Gun" is fucking great.
What is "Top Gun"? A story about a bunch of fighter pilots?
It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.
It is a story about a man's struggle...
with his own homosexuality.
I'm serious. That is what "Top Gun" is about.
You've got Maverick, all right?
He's on the edge, man.
He's right on the fucking line.
And you got Iceman and all his crew.
They're gay. They represent the gay man.
And they're saying, "Go the gay way".
He could go both ways.
- What about Kelly McGillis? - She's heterosexuality.
She's saying, "No, no, no. Go the normal way."
"Play by the rules. Go the normal way".
And they're saying, "No. Go the gay way.
"Be the gay way. Go for the gay way".
That is what's going on throughout that whole movie.
What is this party? Who are these people?
They make me sick. What is that?
Who are you? What is he wearing?
It's some dance jumpsuit, freakish little gaucho...
"Let's go to Spain and dance with our arms over our heads".
He goes to her house, right?
It looks like they're going to have sex.
They're sitting back. He's taking a shower.
They don't have sex.
He gets on the motorcycle, drives away.
She's like, "What the fuck is going on here?"
Next scene you see her, she's in the elevator.
She is dressed like a guy!
She's got the cap on, the aviator glasses,
she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears.
She says, "This is how I'm going to get this guy."
"This guy's going towards the gay way.
"So I gotta bring him back from the gay way.
"So I'll do that through subterfuge.
"I'll dress like a man".
That is how she approaches it.
Let me ask you - if I may digress for two seconds here...
I met this girl Amy here.
She's floating around here and everything.
She just got divorced, right?
I saw you on... What was it?
I was asking my friend.
I can't remember.
You know...
There's just a little...
I'm... I'm lucky.
We're going to drink a pot of coffee...
and then drive to Vegas. You want to go?
- What's her problem? - She doesn't want to go.
She doesn't like to gamble.
- Hang on. - Sorry.
We need to have a little talk.
I know, but this really isn't the best time.
Is this inconvenient for you?
I could leave if you'd like.
- I'll call you. - Should I come back? OK.
What are you doing?
You answer me one thing. Right now.
Maybe it was my imagination, or maybe I dreamt it,
but was it not exactly six days ago...
that we made the most incredible love...
and you told me that you loved me?
Was it or not?
Sarah, how's it going?
- Hi. - You having a good time?
Oh, yeah.
Can I double-check something with you?
Do you see anything in my teeth?
No.
I didn't, either. Nice schmooze-fest, huh?
Is everything OK?
Great. I'm just hanging.
Oh, OK.
- All right. - Yeah.
- See you later. - OK. Bye, Rory.
Bye.
You have to go now.
Did it happen or not?
It happened.
Well, thank God,
because I was starting to think I went insane.
I told you I need some time.
Sarah, it doesn't take six days to pack your bags.
It does if you keep unpacking them.
It's right through there.
You waiting?
Waiting? Yeah!
And after that, I'm going back into the party...
and I'm not going to talk to you again tonight.
OK.
Do I know you?
No.
OK.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Jesus Christ! God!
There's a man with a beard coming through the window!
Jesus! Jesus Christ! No, I'm...
Sarah, I'm not leaving without you.
Dennis Hopper just climbed through the window.
- You can't keep doing this! - Doing what?
Hiding the fact that your marriage is a piece of paper...
and you and I are flesh and blood!
This is something out of "Fatal Attraction".
No. There's this weird woman in the bathroom.
Excuse me, but could you take that outside?
I'm waiting to go to the bathroom.
- Could you please get out? - Out! Come here.
Thank you very, very much!
Look, come here.
What the hell's the matter with you?
Yeah, OK, so we slept together.
It was great, but that doesn't mean...
it wasn't a huge mistake, you know?
That's what you call it? A mistake?
Look at us right now. We're in Duane's bathroom,
at a party you weren't invited to.
I think this qualifies as a mistake.
Then why did you sleep with me?
Why did you tell me about the green umbrella?
You asked me about it.
No, you forced me to. And you want to know what?
We aren't talking about your umbrella or Joe's umbrella.
We're talking about my fucking umbrella.
And it wasn't even my umbrella. It belonged to my friend.
I don't give a shit about the umbrella!
I'm in love with you. Don't you understand that?
That doesn't give you the license...
to do any stupid thing that comes into your head.
This is not stupid.
I just... I'm sorry.
I want to kiss you without feeling guilty.
You know?
All right. Fair enough.
How much time do you need?
Would you go away?
Honey?
I'm sorry. I thought you were the phone guy.
I'll be right out.
Honey, I want to get out of here pretty soon.
I'll meet you at the front door in a few minutes.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I...
I'm fine. I just... I have a little...
Could you have Deborah come here?
Honey, what's going on?
It's a woman thing, honey. You don't want to know.
OK.
You've got to get out.
Where am I going to go?
Get in. Get back in there!
- Hello? - Hi.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Frank? - Yeah.
Frank, come out here.
Frank!
Frank, go out the way you came in.
I'll call you.
Thanks for having me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Fuck, I don't know what I am.
Hi.
What's happening?
My life is fucked.
But the real ending of the movie...
is when they fight the MIGs at the end.
Because he has passed over into the gay way.
They are this gay fighting fucking force,
and they're beating the Russians.
And it's over, and they fucking land,
and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time.
Finally, he's got him, all right?
What is the last fucking line that they have together?
They're all hugging and kissing and happy,
and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says...
"Man, you can ride my tail anytime"!
And what does Maverick say?
"You can ride mine"!
Sword fight! Sword fight!
- Fucking "A," man! - Yeah!
Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me.
I thought this was your car.
I didn't see you at the party.
Deborah wouldn't let me in.
Really?
Yeah.
I love Deborah.
She's a little abrasive sometimes, don't you think?
Yeah.
I wonder how Duane puts up with her.
Yeah, or how she puts up with him, huh?
Yeah. They're married.
That's part of what marriage is - putting up.
No, thanks. I got my own.
To old friends.
Your car needs some work, man.
Yeah, it could definitely use a new interior.
You never knew how to take care of your stuff, man.
Well, I...
What about that...
that motorcycle you had...
with the little speakers on it and the fuzzy seats?
That thing was trashed.
Yeah.
- What was it like? - What?
Sleeping with my wife.
Huh?
What was it like?
It's OK, man. She told me.
I just want to know what it was like.
I'm in love with her, Joseph.
I know that.
You've made that abundantly clear.
I should have told you...
No, you should not have fucked her!
That's what you shouldn't have done!
I didn't fuck her. I made love to her.
- Really? - Yes.
So sweet. Why don't you shut up for a minute?
Why don't you shut up?
I'm not the only one involved. It was her choice!
Really? Is that so?
I seem to remember her choosing me,
but maybe I got it wrong here.
Maybe I should go ask her right now.
Why do you want to make a big show of this?
Maybe I should go ask her. We're all here.
We can fucking get this out right now, all right?
Joseph!
Joseph, Joseph.
What are you doing?
Were you able to stop yourself, Frank?
- Sarah? - This isn't going to help.
- Joe. - Sarah?
It's your lawful-wedded husband here!
I think it's time we had a little talk!
Get the fuck off!
Sarah, get your little ass out here!
Kick his ass!
Stop it! What are you doing?
Stop it. What's your problem? Do you have something...
Frank over here informed me that you chose him,
which I find a little confusing...
because I seem to remember you marrying me,
but apparently he was the last one to fuck you,
so maybe I'm wrong!
Take it home, guy.
In case anybody didn't get that, my husband over here...
wants to know why I fucked Frank over here.
He seems to think that if he humiliates me,
it will put me in my fucking little place.
But what you don't understand, buddy,
is I don't give a fuck, because as far as I'm concerned,
this marriage is over!
Happy now?
What about you? Isn't this what you wanted?
What do you think?
Then who the hell's happy here?
What, is it you?
Frank, are you the happy guy here?
Right. I'm sorry. You happened to fall in love.
I don't want to stand in the way...
of my two best friends falling in love,
so you guys go off and live happily ever after.
Joseph, fuck you. I married you.
Then why did you fuck him?
What about that fucking slut you left that party with?
Listen to me. I did not fuck her.
I could have, but I didn't.
Give me the keys.
What?
It's my car. Give me the keys.
We're starting the distribution of property?
Give me the fucking keys!
Honey, where are you going?
Wherever the fuck I want!
- Sarah! - Frank, I'm sorry.
This isn't me, you know. You did this!
I'm sorry, Joe.
That's really special, Frank. You fuck my wife,
ruin my marriage, she dumps you,
but the important thing is that you feel bad.
She stopped at the light.
You son of a bitch.
Sarah!
Oh, God.
Get in.
Do you ever think that we have too much time on our hands?
With all the advances we've made...
in extending the human life span...
that perhaps nature's cruelest irony...
is that we get progressively stupider and stupider...
with each passing generation?
Someday, we'll live for 300 years...
but we won't be able to sit still for five seconds.
Just a thought.
Published 10/13/2012 @ www.podnapisi.net